Routine has finally started to come back, so the house is to myself for a few hours. I wanted a chance to write my thoughts down, so I came back. Then I remembered that I actually haven't written anything since the year 2008! I read my first Me Thought and thought ... wow, I certainly think differently now. How many things have changed since then? It got me thinking...
Back then, I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do. Even though I had chosen a college major, something inside was asking me "what is it? what to do? no peace, no content?" What if I ended up like my fellow classmates without a clue as to where I was going? I realize now that major I chose was just a mask. I didn't really know what I wanted, I just wanted to be able to say, "I'm studying for this major." As if I had my life in order! Hah what a joke! Dealing with a first boyfriend, first year of college and homelife, sure my life is in order.
The reason why I didn't come back was because I felt all the words that I wanted to ramble about weren't worth rambling. The words were empty, they had no meaning. I figured out that my original first Me Thought was just as empty and as meaningless so I deleted it.
And here I am, into the first week of January 2010 and hopefully a different person tfrom 2008.
(By the way, I'm Christian and faith is a big part of my life.)
Back then, my mind and my heart were always full of unease. The questions that I had always needed to be answered, I used to ask "why?" a lot. "Why does it have to be this way?" "Why do I have to do this?" Or sometimes it would be the "What if?"questions. "What if I fail?" "What if I'm alone for the rest of my life?" "What if I can't take it anymore?" I expected myself to find all the answers. In doing so I shut God out of my life,
"Like an unwary sailor who quits his port just before a rising storm, I renounced the hopes and comforts of the gospel at the very time when every other comfort was about to fail me." ~ John Newton
A year ago I changed my major, but even then I was full of unease. I prayed about it but again my words felt empty, God wasn't in my life and I felt as though everything that was once apart of me was wasting away into nothing.
Then a few weeks into October 2008, I met a great friend now an "adopted" little brother, who showed me how much his faith impacted him. It inspired me, the language of true faith gave me comfort and courage. The more time I spent with him the more I "looked" for answers. I was truly looking! I can't begin to describe the freeing feeling it gave me. I began searching with all my of my 6 senses! ( the 6th is: to be) I was hearing God speak to me through everyone, every living thing, everything I sensed, and every deed. Although I didn't respond as He would like me too, I heard Him and I shed the mask and that was a start.
"I was blind, but now I see." ~ John Newton. I realized I had been living for myself, no one else. That was why things were so meaningless. Everything I thought and did, I foolishly thought only affected me. Through this young man, God finally found me amidst all the holes I had dug myself into.
Faith didn't come upon me like bunch of fireworks I can tell you! Instead it came ever so softly, like the sun rising at the start of a new day. Like a flower doused with cold dew I opened and embraced the sun's warmth.
I'm not so full of myself as to say my life is in order now, but I can say that I'm starting to find that balance that I've never maintained through the course of my life. Now, the questions don't need to be answered right away. Because I figure, if I stop asking the questions over and over and keep "looking" I'll find the answers eventually. Maybe I won't know them, but if He felt it was important for me to know then He would let me know. I'm not a perfect follower but I let his judgement into my daily life and it helps me become better. School is definitely better than before and home-life is stressful but I take it as it comes and do my best to prepare for it. As for someone special in my life, well let's just say it doesn't matter as much to me anymore. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted but I don't follow through. Its nice that type of togetherness that one can dream of and observe in others but my life, my heart, and my mind are full to the top. I'm working on so many things that I don't have time to spend on a special someone. So I also figure if that time ever comes it'll come when its time!
Now, this past Christmas season, I found myself in despair because I felt the emptyness of my words again. Although this time I craved Him not because I thought I could find the answers myself but because I knew I didn't have the answers. With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season I found little peace or room for Him in my heart. My mind crowded my heart! Everything I was doing was for the tangible preparation of the holiday so by the time the day finished I had little energy for anything else. I longed to just sleep forever in hopes that extra rest and alone - time would help to open my heart.
But just as I realized before, my faith came upon me again not in some grand gesture but ever so softly. My mother writes a annual Christmas greeting and she just finished this year's yesterday. Although it is past Christmas, the meaning was just as powerful. It got my brain thinking and then I said that the next day I would start writing again. So peace is here, I'm enjoying it and for the first time in a long while I'm truly relaxing and hopeful.
For all you viewers, sorry if I bored you. And if nobody is viewing this thing well I got a lot of my mind and my heart. I am once again un masked. Continue to enjoy Christmas it lasts year around (for those of you who love its meaning) and I wish all of you good fortune in the new year!
